Every year on my birthday, it's a time for reflection. I don't have many happy memories about birthdays.

When I was in elementary school, I still had some anticipation for birthdays. I remember it was a rainy day, also a Sunday. My family prepared a big meal for my birthday, and it was a joyful day. But the next day, facing the teacher's outstretched hand, I realized that I seemed to have forgotten something.

"Didn't you do your homework?"
"No..."
"Why didn't you do it?"
"Because it was my birthday yesterday..."
"Your birthday?" The corner of the teacher's eye lifted, followed by a cold smile at the corner of the mouth. "Oh, so you don't do your homework just because it's your birthday? Does the world revolve around you?"

I don't remember what the teacher said next. I just remember that at that moment, I understood that a birthday is just an ordinary day. It means nothing to anyone except yourself.

Soon I entered middle school, and my impression of birthdays began to fade. Some people say that those whose birthdays coincide with holidays are lucky because they can always take a break on their birthdays... Of course, that refers to statutory holidays. As for holidays with political significance, it can only make people feel helpless.

The day of the birthday is not much different from usual. We have classes, we have exams. The only difference is that everyone's faces are filled with genuine smiles, forced smiles, heartfelt wishes, or following the crowd, blessing the people they want to bless.

But that person is not me, it's the teacher.

Subjective feelings are strange and cannot be restricted or controlled. As everyone around me blesses others with smiles on their faces, everyone talks about how hard the teacher works, everyone is filled with smiles, filled with gifts, but none of these things have anything to do with you. No one will remember this day, and it is an important day for you. Not only that, maybe you have to smile and go along with others to give blessings.

I know I shouldn't be jealous, and I shouldn't be angry, but sometimes, the feeling of dissatisfaction cannot be controlled. And denying the feeling of dissatisfaction in my heart can only bring greater repression and pain.

At that time, my birthday, for me, was just a cake bought by my parents after I went home. Although now I think it is enough to be grateful for, at that time, I was young and always wanted more, wanted a birthday that could make me feel happy.

What should a happy birthday be like? Should it be a big meal with many familiar friends? I think so, at least it cannot be denied that this is one way.

When I was in college, I finally achieved this. I invited my dormitory classmates and some familiar friends, left the university town, and went to the city. On my birthday, I paid for a big meal.

Everyone who promised to come, came. But during the meal, I seemed to feel that something was different. What was different? Everyone was eating and chatting, laughing and joking. What's wrong with that? No... of course there was something wrong. Because it was completely invisible that we were celebrating a birthday, it was more like everyone was just having a meal.

What's even more interesting is that I invited a roommate and his girlfriend, but his girlfriend was having a fight with him that day, so throughout the meal, that girl had a sour face. I couldn't ignore this, but there was nothing I could do. Although I wasn't angry because of this, I seemed to understand something.

When it comes to celebrating birthdays, if you invite some indifferent guys, they will only come to give you face, but don't expect them to give you more...

At that moment, I felt the distance between people's hearts and realized the fact that I had very few friends.

Since then, for birthdays, I usually choose to go home and celebrate with my parents. Sometimes I feel that besides them, no one can chat with me so easily about my inner thoughts. And as I grow older, I gradually begin to feel that birthdays are annoying.

I'm another year older, and in the past years, I haven't accomplished much. Besides sighing, there is nothing else. It really annoys me, whether it's life or myself. It has been 4 years since I graduated in 2010, 2 years in IT and 2 years in the hospital. Have I grown? Perhaps I have grown a lot in terms of mindset, but I haven't achieved much in other aspects. And I have to doubt whether this kind of mindset growth is inevitable. If that's the case, then I have been standing still for these 4 years, haven't I?

I am a person who lacks confidence. I have a bad habit when doing things, I like to open a search engine and search for "possibilities," such as losing weight, I have searched for keywords like "lose 30kg in six months." I need someone to tell me, "This can be done, it's not an impossible task," so that I can make up my mind to act step by step. If the search results are all despair, maybe I will stop immediately.

But things like my own life and future are not something that a search engine can find. In the days of last year, I thought a lot and achieved a lot. I also set a general direction for my efforts. But in the seemingly busy and aimless process, I found myself deeply trapped in pain.

"Why am I doing this? Other people of my age have already started enjoying nightlife every day."
"Why am I doing this? I can clearly relax a little."
"Why is that idiot so carefree, eating and drinking every day? Why doesn't he just die?"
"Why don't they know anything and still take money so comfortably?"
"Why can that idiot find a girl? Oh no, he should be deceiving the girl. Why isn't the girl smarter and not letting him deceive her?"
"Why is it so troublesome to go on a blind date with a girl? Why do I waste so much time on boring messages with her?"
"Why am I studying so slowly? Don't you know that you don't have much time left?"
"Why don't I want to go for a run again? Even if my knee is uncomfortable, it's not a reason to stop running."

Countless "whys" keep filling my mind. In order to achieve the goals I set at the beginning, I feel like I have been kidnapped and have to do some things. In order to calm my negative emotions, I can only keep finding some unlucky guys to gloat over their misfortune, or constantly comforting myself, "Persist and you will succeed, everything will be fine."

What if I can't do it? What if everything doesn't turn out well? Time cannot be repeated, my childhood has been eaten by dogs, and my youth has also been eaten up. Now I am just a shrinking man who pretends to be young and avoids facing society and growing up. Faced with many powerful guys, I feel that my figure is getting smaller and smaller. Sometimes I reflect on what value I really have, whether I am just eating and waiting to die, whether I can escape from the category of eating and waiting to die. And deliberately pretending not to be like someone who is eating and waiting to die in front of others, it was at that time that I learned to lie.

Lies are told again and again. Sometimes I don't know if what I say is true or false. I don't know if I really have what I have learned and sold. I don't know if having the skill of learning and selling is considered an ability. To some extent, I have deceived many people, so I also like my current profile picture, the scammer named Ling, she deceived the world just to prevent herself and others from getting hurt, which is so similar to my motivation for deceiving others.

"Sometimes lies represent beautiful visions."

Whether it's a vision or a deception, all kinds of random thoughts are spinning in my mind. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy. I keep arguing with myself. I start to feel annoyed for no reason, and I can't forgive anyone I see. I can ban those I can ban, and I can avoid seeing those I don't want to see. But no matter how you try to escape, what should be there will still be there, just as I said at the beginning. Subjective feelings are strange. For some things, you know you shouldn't think that way, but when you suppress yourself from thinking that way, unfortunately, you have already started thinking that way.

"This is the world, this is society."

During my student days, everything was spoken through academic performance. As a student who ranked last, I had no rights. At that time, I thought that everything would be better when I grew up.

However, after entering society, everything changed to speaking through abilities or money. No money, no rights. No connections, no rights. However, the means of constructing connections and money always seem ugly in the face of real human nature. And I want to preserve the beauty of my youth. I refuse to integrate into the social circle that belongs to me. As a social outcast, using the excuse of being an ACG enthusiast, I stayed in my student days...

This reminds me of the song "When I Was Young" by Nan Quan Mama.

When I was young, I often looked at the sky outside the window
Fantasizing about being able to realize the dreams I had before growing up
I don't know where to go, or whether to stay still without moving
I am powerless to escape, watching time slip away
I want to go back to when I was young
I wanna stay. Or stay away
I wanna stay. Oh, the most true and beautiful childhood
I wanna stay, I wanna stay
Or stay away, ow....

In high school, I didn't understand it the first time I heard it. It wasn't until now that I realized how much this song resonates with me...
Perhaps in a certain sense, I also chose to escape into the adult world and chose to stay...

During this year, my mind has been in a state of random thoughts. I don't know how long it has been, but I haven't truly felt happy for a long time. Various negative emotions have come one after another, self-doubt, arrogance, jealousy, anger, guilt, and guilt feelings. They have tormented me for too long, even though some of them are unbelievable, but that's the reality.

Happy birthday, may you have a happy birthday, representing a kind of anticipation and blessings from others. It only happens once a year, so it should be happy...

I moved the muscles on my face that had been stiff for a long time and smiled.

"Happy birthday"

I said to myself, hoping that next year, I will welcome a better world.